talking on the phone in a parking lot. a friend from seventh grade. the conversation lasted about ten minutes. ...then i spent the next three hours trying to figure out.. .something that i haven't quite figured out yet.

this friend has faith and love like i've never seen in a person before. it survives loss...and persistent pain. it conquers fear. though each step she takes is saturated with shouts of doubt and pricks of pain and deep dark loneliness. ..Christ within her grows more radiant. the more that darkness seeks to overcome her, the brighter her faith and strength and joy become.

i know many people who fear pain and loss and .. . life not being quite what one hoped for. my friend is not beyond these fears, but the Author of her faith is. He is deep within her, saturating her thoughts and words and actions.

for as long as my friend can remember, she's either been anticipating or recovering from surgeries...and she has a sharp memory. her entire life has been filled with medical terminology and hospital beds and iv therapy and physical therapy and medications... i went to nursing school and learned about all that objectively but i have never worn a hospital johnny's myself...nor had any of the treatment that comes to those wearing one. i don't even have health insurance.

there's a voice message saved on my phone. it's my friend calling on her way to the hospital. her voice is weak as she tells me about her medical complications and predicted hospital stay. (following the time of the message she spent a day in the ER while physicians and nurses work to pump fluid into her severely dehydrated vessels).
in the message she says she hopes i'm doing well. sometimes people say that and you can tell they honestly could care less. it's out of politeness. it's what you say when you want some room to talk about how YOUR doing. if anyone has stories to tell it would be her - but she genuinely was thinking about me...hoped i was doing well and wanted to hear back from me about my life.

i hope and pray that i might have a love like that grow inside of me...that the spirit of God would transform my broken vessel from the inside out into something.. .into someone beautiful.