beneath the shallow perspective.

I'm reading this book about the life and work of William Wilberforce. It's the book that inspired the movie, "Amazing Grace"...at least that's what is says on the cover. However, one thing in particular that I remember about the film was that the man who played William was GORGEOUS. Tall, dark and handsome...AND passionate, driven, selfless, humble...basically any girl would watch the film and hope she would meet a man like THAT. It was one of the FIRST things I remember about the film...and one of the FIRST things that struck me about the book was the painted image of the man on the cover. Gray weirdish long hair, funny nose, sort of sunken in eyes...and throughout the book's introduction there are frequent descriptions of what William appearance was REALLY like: He never grew above 5 foot 3 inches; He was weak and sickly as a child and an adult; He had poor eyesight; It was said that once during his adult years he became severely ill and weighed about 76 pounds... those things are just not exactly what one would expect of one of the most revolutionary men in semi recent history...or maybe it is, but it wasn't what I expected.

Initially, I was disappointed. It's amazing how shallow I can be. I was SIGNIFICANTLY less interested in reading about this man's amazing story and impact on the world because he wasn't physically attractive. I'm so lame. But thankfully, I kept reading it anyway. So far I've found that William was a beautiful, strong, convicted soul dwelling inside a broken and awkward body. I'm embarrassed about my tendency towards shallow judgements. How much beauty I must be missing in so many different areas of life that I've limited to a shallow perspective ..it's really time to grow up and see what's important about people and what things make someone worth your while.

a flower grows slowly

it was 65 degrees today. my friend the thermometer said it was 80...definitely wishful thinking on his part (and mine) but i'll take 65 with pleasure :) flowers are coming up. they're funny. one day they're these little buds that you barely notice and when you do you're like, "hurry UP. grow UP! you're boring like that!! ughhh" ...at least that's what I'M like. i'm very impatient for flowers...especially blossoms on trees (which i guess aren't technically flowers...or are they?? well, they are to me). usually each year i notice the buds, get annoyed, forget about the flowers, and then...BOOM flowers everywhere and it seems like they've always been there.

now that i think about it...i think i'm just an impatient person. i mean, i have days where i take my time and enjoy the process of living...but sadly, i wouldn't say MOST days. i would have to say that most days, i see little buds EVERYwhere, in everything and want to rush them to being flowers already. it's really something that needs to break inside me. i want to enjoy the process of waking up and brushing my teeth. i want to go grocery shopping and stroll through the isle just checking out weird foods that i would never buy...i dunno, just enjooooy the whole grocery store experience. most of life is made up of all these little processes that i've developed a habit of rushing through to get to...what? why am i in such a hurry?

i need to rest in the arms of my Savior. even if my life is here there and everywhere emotionally, geographically, financially, career...ally. ...having Jesus to hold me steady and keep me spiritually grounded ...keeps everything stable and secure that needs to be. i think i grow more impatient when i worry. and i only worry when i'm looking away from Christ at something i'm afraid of or.. .just at ANYTHING other than him. maybe initially it isn't something i'm afraid of...but eventually, even if you're looking at pretty things . .. if you lose focus of Christ for long enough - life gets scary.

SO. i pray for God to bless me with eyes for him. i pray for him to send peace that floods a calm over me so that i am enabled to spend each minute of the day in joy with simply having Him with me.

Faith loves God.

"Faith loves God more than life. Faith loves God more than family. Faith loves God more than job or retirement plans or ministry or writing books or building the dream house or making the first million. Faith says, "Whether God handles me tenderly or gives me over to torture, I love him. He is my reward (Hebrews 11:6), the builder of the city I long for (11:10), the treasure beyond the riches of Egypt (11:26), and the possession that surpasses all others and abides for ever (10:34)."' -John Piper

I catch myself trying to steer my faith for a personal motive. To scheme with myself, "if I am faithful, and can love God more than ____, then I'll GET ____ because I'll prove that I love God more and that ____ doesn't matter to me as much!" And I get all excited about this plan to get what I want! MOST times, the things in themselves are not "bad"...but because I desire them more than Christ, they become a point of error for me. Sometimes I try to let go of the selfish things I want while still keeping a teensy weensy hold on them (which is altogether motivated by selfishness and therefore...pointless). But the funny thing, is when I honestly, truly have my heart consumed with Christ...when he enables me to hold an accurate perspective of life and enables me to desire what I NEED...whatever it was I was thinking of or wishing for...whatever I was thinking would make me happy...I don't even care about. That craving and tearing feeling inside of not having what I want ...subsides.

Sometimes I get frustrated and I think, "why, if I HAVE Christ, if I know him, and am a child of God...why do I feel so empty sometimes? Why isn't he being enough for me? I KNOW he is the only thing that can satisfy me...so whyyyyyy am I so discontented? Why am I aching for other things? What the HECK!" ...just in that small rant I said or implied "I" over ten times and referred to God about five. That seems significantly unbalanced and in COMPLETELY the wrong direction. I tend to be focused on myself...if I look away from ME and look to who God is and what is true about him... if I stop trying to take God and FIT him into where I think I need him and open my heart to him and let him rush over me each day filling me where He sees fit...I think that would be good :)

The Country of Christ

"...they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." -Hebrews 11:14b

"These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." Hebrews 11:39

Prior to and in between the verses above, Paul is writing about various people who lived and died in faith. About people who had faith till the very end, even though what they had hoped for, never materialized during their life. I love that. I love how faith, from the perspective of the world, doesn't make ANY sense....that REALLY does sound odd for people to be "commended" for having a faith, that appears to be...for nothing! haha...yeah, that WOULD be odd. But in reality...those who lived (or live) and died (or die) in faith were (and are) RIGHT on, and they're not odd ...and it isn't for nothing.

I love that, "only together with us would they be made perfect"...God is the most essential part of every created thing. Without him in your life you have no hope of being or doing anything truly good or beautiful. You have no hope of being known or loved. It's sad that some people put Christianity in a dull light. To me, Jesus is the most amazing, gorgeous, loving, sweet, strong, kind, perfect, hilarious, innovative, creative, understanding, patient, wonderful person EVER. He is everything to me. I am desperate to be restored to him in Heaven...in His country. When i close my eyes and my little heart dreams of being with him...it's like dancing in a sunny windy field with my most loving and wonderful friend, eternally embracing your truest deepest friend, laughing till I fall over, crying and laughing at the same time...it just gets more and more out of control as I dream because the person that I am now and the heart and mind that I have now would be overwhelmed and unable to process what I WILL see and feel and experience in my new body in the country I am headed for...the Country of Christ.

hopeful fellow strange(r)

I decided to start up one of these to share my thoughts and experiences as a child of God ...as a stranger on this earth...as someone made for a different place. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with it or what I'll write about...it's just that I'm always so encouraged to read of and hear from others who are living for Christ... so this is in the hope that sharing some of my thoughts and life experiences might encourage someone else.