in this moment i'm exhausted from the brokenness of the world.
the root of evil seems so deep and twisted and strong. i feel like a small starving withered frail seed that's just budding and barely has a grasp in the soil...it wants to bring light and health to those around it. ..but. ..it's being engulfed by a ugly dirty and rotten root.
.. each broken heart i see. each crushed spirit. each injured mind. each bruised body... i'm carrying them all but i'm not strong enough. but i can't let them go. ..but they weigh on my mind and pierce into my heart so deep...i don't know what to do with them. i want to fix them...i can't. i want to hold them and make the pain stop. stop the bleeding. but the bleeding is so deep i can't touch it. it's out of control. it's out of MY control...

but my God is strong. and he is in me. his spirit holds eternal endurance...it isn't tired by repeated exposure to brokenness. it rests in truth and power. it is constant. so i called upon the name of the Lord...and he answered me. and the withered bud i once was - revived. it's roots grew deeper than sin and brokenness - feeding of truthful promises. it's branches reached out in hope and are still stretching even now. ... for life is attainable only through Christ. He is greater than the powers of darkness...and His love IS enough to mend all brokenness. this i remember... and of this i am sure...and i am hopeful and steady and strong once more.

once spoken, a word may be held for eternity. ..transcending through time.

one of my mom's favorite writers is john newton. since i can remember, she's had volumes of his writings shelved on the wall. every night she takes one down and reads it as she falls asleep. some people are kindred spirits even if they never meet...in this world.

she sent me a letter of his that he wrote to a friend and since then i've sent it to a few of mine. ..and whenever i read it i am encouraged, so i wanted to share it on here too...even though i'm pretty sure my mom's the only one who reads this thing :) but if someone else stumbles upon it - be blessed.


March 18, 1767.

I can truly say, that I bear you upon my heart and in my prayers. I have rejoiced to see the beginning of a good and gracious work in you; and I have confidence in the Lord Jesus, that He will carry it on and complete it; and that you will be amongst the number of those who shall sing redeeming love to eternity. Therefore fear none of the things appointed for you to suffer by the way, but gird up the loins of your mind, and hope to the end. Be not impatient, but wait humbly upon the Lord. You have one hard lesson to learn, that is, the evil of your own heart: you know something of it, but it is needful that you should know more; for the more we know of ourselves, the more we shall prize and love Jesus and His salvation. I hope what you find in yourself by daily experience will humble you, but not discourage you; humble you it should, and I believe it does. Are not you amazed sometimes that you should have so much as a hope that, poor and needy as you are, the Lord thinketh of you? But let not all you feel discourage you; for if our Physician is almighty, our disease cannot be desperate; and if He casts none out that come to Him, why should you fear? Our sins are many, but His mercies are more: our sins are great, but His righteousness is greater: we are weak, but He is power. Most of our complaints are owing to unbelief, and the remainder of a legal spirit; and these evils are not removed in a day. Wait on the Lord, and He will enable you to see more and more of the power and grace of our High Priest. The more you know Him, the better you will trust Him; the more you trust Him, the better you will love Him; the more you love Him, the better you will serve Him. This is God's way: you are not called to buy, but to beg; not to be strong in yourself, but in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. He is teaching you these things, and I trust He will teach you to the end. Remember the growth of a believer is not like a mushroom, but like an oak, which increases slowly indeed, but surely. Many suns, showers, and frosts pass upon it before it comes to perfection; and in winter, when it seems dead, it is gathering strength at the root. Be humble, watchful, and diligent in the means, and endeavor to look through all, and fix your eye upon Jesus, and all shall be well. I commend you to the care of the good Shepherd, and remain, for His sake,

Yours, JN

do i sleep by a railway?

no place to lay her head. no where to store her things - her things? what belongs to her? shoelaces. mismatched shoes - too small.
broken. discarded. forgotten.
am i a romantic? over analytic? ...

i see and hear things. things that should break you. things that should tear your heart from your chest. i don't cry. my heart is steady. it barely moves.
...is it like sleeping next to a railway? where at first you're startled awake every three hours with the train...then only once a night. ..then you sleep soundly as if you lived miles away.
am i miles away? am i numb? ...

it isn't like sleeping by a railway. it isn't apathy. it isn't tolerance from exposure. my heart does mourn the cruelties of the world...the evident and disguised injustices, the overlooked, undiagnosed, untended injuries ...but though my heart mourns, it rests. it hides in the steadfast hope of Christ. the world is full of sorrow...Christ is hope. ..and even in a world such as this, my heart is full. ..overflowing with the power of Christ. with his hope. with his love. with his truth.

when Christ is your everything.

when Christ is your love - you love others from a place of strength. your love for others is no longer proportional to the love that other people pour into you - rather it is proportional to the love which Christ continually pours over and through you. your love is endless. boundless. deep. full. raw. you love others when they are unlovable. your love is unconditional - it no longer requires others to meet certain qualifications.

when Christ is your hope - your security and satisfaction are no longer situational. the uncontrollable and unpredictable variables that live within every dimension of life: your health, your wealth, your relationships, your sanity... the variables that once haunted your thoughts and polluted your happiness - they become nothing. it isn't that they have been dismissed in apathy or denial. it is that the one thing that consumes your thoughts and saturates the dimensions ...is Christ. Christ who is steadfast. constant. loving. bright. strong. sufficient. in a world of confusion, chaos, pain, brokenness - Christ brings genuine peace to those who hide themselves in the shadow of his wings.

talking on the phone in a parking lot. a friend from seventh grade. the conversation lasted about ten minutes. ...then i spent the next three hours trying to figure out.. .something that i haven't quite figured out yet.

this friend has faith and love like i've never seen in a person before. it survives loss...and persistent pain. it conquers fear. though each step she takes is saturated with shouts of doubt and pricks of pain and deep dark loneliness. ..Christ within her grows more radiant. the more that darkness seeks to overcome her, the brighter her faith and strength and joy become.

i know many people who fear pain and loss and .. . life not being quite what one hoped for. my friend is not beyond these fears, but the Author of her faith is. He is deep within her, saturating her thoughts and words and actions.

for as long as my friend can remember, she's either been anticipating or recovering from surgeries...and she has a sharp memory. her entire life has been filled with medical terminology and hospital beds and iv therapy and physical therapy and medications... i went to nursing school and learned about all that objectively but i have never worn a hospital johnny's myself...nor had any of the treatment that comes to those wearing one. i don't even have health insurance.

there's a voice message saved on my phone. it's my friend calling on her way to the hospital. her voice is weak as she tells me about her medical complications and predicted hospital stay. (following the time of the message she spent a day in the ER while physicians and nurses work to pump fluid into her severely dehydrated vessels).
in the message she says she hopes i'm doing well. sometimes people say that and you can tell they honestly could care less. it's out of politeness. it's what you say when you want some room to talk about how YOUR doing. if anyone has stories to tell it would be her - but she genuinely was thinking about me...hoped i was doing well and wanted to hear back from me about my life.

i hope and pray that i might have a love like that grow inside of me...that the spirit of God would transform my broken vessel from the inside out into something.. .into someone beautiful.

my boys.

if i never went to namibia, i would have never had the opportunity to be a part of the lives of two precious children. just look at them :)
hosiana is on the top and alfeus is below.




these two beautiful boys attend the remedial school program that i volunteered at when i was in Namibia. all schools in Namibia require a direct payment from the family of the child (unlike United States public schools where the government uses tax money). it isn't much money, but MANY children can't afford to go to school. the Family Hope Sanctuary is a Christian organization in Hakahana, Namibia that seeks to engage members of the community in programs, events, jobs, etc that benefit the individual, the family, and the community as a whole. i worked along side the founder of the ministry and have seen first hand what a blessing FHS is to the community. i'm blessed to have the opportunity to support Hosiana and Alfeus financially for this school year. the money goes towards clothes, food, tuition, and school supplies.

aren't they gorgeous? Alfeus has the sweetest face ever and wants to be a policeman when he grows up (i hope he changes his mind!). hosiana is sharp as a tack and wants to be a doctor...maybe i'll work with him someday :)

this is where they live...


when i was in namibia so much was going on in EVERY dimension of my life - mentally, physically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually, culturally...among other things! when i came back to the states i couldn't even look at pictures for over a month and i dreaded interacting with people who might ask about it. i wanted to block it out of my mind and pretend it never happened. ...but i'm so thankful for how God works. how he placed me in a strange foreign land for a while..and even though i felt displaced and confused and lonely...he knew what He was doing. so many good things have come of it...even years later.

i'm watching a man in grand central station... he's waiting. he knows exactly who he's waiting for. he doesn't know exactly when or where she'll come from...but she is coming. waves of people passed between us - his eyes sifting through hundreds of faces...looking for ONE. i'm fascinated watching him because...there is clearly nothing else on his mind. maybe age thirty or older but he reminds me of a small boy in his manner of standing...he seems so displaced on his own. his look of anticipation transforms into relief and confidence. he walks straight into the crowd and weaves in between people and bags and suitcases. his eyes are fixed. once his eyes locked on his wife - breaking his gaze and focus seems it would be near impossible. he's a different person. his expression is bright. his eyes are shining. ...i'm amazed at the transformation. less than a minute ago he was twenty steps behind where he is now and had such a forlorn appearance...but the presence of this other person utterly transformed his world ...or himself in the same world. he sees everything differently now. more people are laughing, the room is brighter, 11:30 isn't quite so late in the evening, the corners of their apartment will be filled with a different, fuller, sweeter air.
and i think...that was a beautiful moment.

beneath the shallow perspective.

I'm reading this book about the life and work of William Wilberforce. It's the book that inspired the movie, "Amazing Grace"...at least that's what is says on the cover. However, one thing in particular that I remember about the film was that the man who played William was GORGEOUS. Tall, dark and handsome...AND passionate, driven, selfless, humble...basically any girl would watch the film and hope she would meet a man like THAT. It was one of the FIRST things I remember about the film...and one of the FIRST things that struck me about the book was the painted image of the man on the cover. Gray weirdish long hair, funny nose, sort of sunken in eyes...and throughout the book's introduction there are frequent descriptions of what William appearance was REALLY like: He never grew above 5 foot 3 inches; He was weak and sickly as a child and an adult; He had poor eyesight; It was said that once during his adult years he became severely ill and weighed about 76 pounds... those things are just not exactly what one would expect of one of the most revolutionary men in semi recent history...or maybe it is, but it wasn't what I expected.

Initially, I was disappointed. It's amazing how shallow I can be. I was SIGNIFICANTLY less interested in reading about this man's amazing story and impact on the world because he wasn't physically attractive. I'm so lame. But thankfully, I kept reading it anyway. So far I've found that William was a beautiful, strong, convicted soul dwelling inside a broken and awkward body. I'm embarrassed about my tendency towards shallow judgements. How much beauty I must be missing in so many different areas of life that I've limited to a shallow perspective ..it's really time to grow up and see what's important about people and what things make someone worth your while.

a flower grows slowly

it was 65 degrees today. my friend the thermometer said it was 80...definitely wishful thinking on his part (and mine) but i'll take 65 with pleasure :) flowers are coming up. they're funny. one day they're these little buds that you barely notice and when you do you're like, "hurry UP. grow UP! you're boring like that!! ughhh" ...at least that's what I'M like. i'm very impatient for flowers...especially blossoms on trees (which i guess aren't technically flowers...or are they?? well, they are to me). usually each year i notice the buds, get annoyed, forget about the flowers, and then...BOOM flowers everywhere and it seems like they've always been there.

now that i think about it...i think i'm just an impatient person. i mean, i have days where i take my time and enjoy the process of living...but sadly, i wouldn't say MOST days. i would have to say that most days, i see little buds EVERYwhere, in everything and want to rush them to being flowers already. it's really something that needs to break inside me. i want to enjoy the process of waking up and brushing my teeth. i want to go grocery shopping and stroll through the isle just checking out weird foods that i would never buy...i dunno, just enjooooy the whole grocery store experience. most of life is made up of all these little processes that i've developed a habit of rushing through to get to...what? why am i in such a hurry?

i need to rest in the arms of my Savior. even if my life is here there and everywhere emotionally, geographically, financially, career...ally. ...having Jesus to hold me steady and keep me spiritually grounded ...keeps everything stable and secure that needs to be. i think i grow more impatient when i worry. and i only worry when i'm looking away from Christ at something i'm afraid of or.. .just at ANYTHING other than him. maybe initially it isn't something i'm afraid of...but eventually, even if you're looking at pretty things . .. if you lose focus of Christ for long enough - life gets scary.

SO. i pray for God to bless me with eyes for him. i pray for him to send peace that floods a calm over me so that i am enabled to spend each minute of the day in joy with simply having Him with me.

Faith loves God.

"Faith loves God more than life. Faith loves God more than family. Faith loves God more than job or retirement plans or ministry or writing books or building the dream house or making the first million. Faith says, "Whether God handles me tenderly or gives me over to torture, I love him. He is my reward (Hebrews 11:6), the builder of the city I long for (11:10), the treasure beyond the riches of Egypt (11:26), and the possession that surpasses all others and abides for ever (10:34)."' -John Piper

I catch myself trying to steer my faith for a personal motive. To scheme with myself, "if I am faithful, and can love God more than ____, then I'll GET ____ because I'll prove that I love God more and that ____ doesn't matter to me as much!" And I get all excited about this plan to get what I want! MOST times, the things in themselves are not "bad"...but because I desire them more than Christ, they become a point of error for me. Sometimes I try to let go of the selfish things I want while still keeping a teensy weensy hold on them (which is altogether motivated by selfishness and therefore...pointless). But the funny thing, is when I honestly, truly have my heart consumed with Christ...when he enables me to hold an accurate perspective of life and enables me to desire what I NEED...whatever it was I was thinking of or wishing for...whatever I was thinking would make me happy...I don't even care about. That craving and tearing feeling inside of not having what I want ...subsides.

Sometimes I get frustrated and I think, "why, if I HAVE Christ, if I know him, and am a child of God...why do I feel so empty sometimes? Why isn't he being enough for me? I KNOW he is the only thing that can satisfy me...so whyyyyyy am I so discontented? Why am I aching for other things? What the HECK!" ...just in that small rant I said or implied "I" over ten times and referred to God about five. That seems significantly unbalanced and in COMPLETELY the wrong direction. I tend to be focused on myself...if I look away from ME and look to who God is and what is true about him... if I stop trying to take God and FIT him into where I think I need him and open my heart to him and let him rush over me each day filling me where He sees fit...I think that would be good :)

The Country of Christ

"...they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." -Hebrews 11:14b

"These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." Hebrews 11:39

Prior to and in between the verses above, Paul is writing about various people who lived and died in faith. About people who had faith till the very end, even though what they had hoped for, never materialized during their life. I love that. I love how faith, from the perspective of the world, doesn't make ANY sense....that REALLY does sound odd for people to be "commended" for having a faith, that appears to be...for nothing! haha...yeah, that WOULD be odd. But in reality...those who lived (or live) and died (or die) in faith were (and are) RIGHT on, and they're not odd ...and it isn't for nothing.

I love that, "only together with us would they be made perfect"...God is the most essential part of every created thing. Without him in your life you have no hope of being or doing anything truly good or beautiful. You have no hope of being known or loved. It's sad that some people put Christianity in a dull light. To me, Jesus is the most amazing, gorgeous, loving, sweet, strong, kind, perfect, hilarious, innovative, creative, understanding, patient, wonderful person EVER. He is everything to me. I am desperate to be restored to him in Heaven...in His country. When i close my eyes and my little heart dreams of being with him...it's like dancing in a sunny windy field with my most loving and wonderful friend, eternally embracing your truest deepest friend, laughing till I fall over, crying and laughing at the same time...it just gets more and more out of control as I dream because the person that I am now and the heart and mind that I have now would be overwhelmed and unable to process what I WILL see and feel and experience in my new body in the country I am headed for...the Country of Christ.

hopeful fellow strange(r)

I decided to start up one of these to share my thoughts and experiences as a child of God ...as a stranger on this earth...as someone made for a different place. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with it or what I'll write about...it's just that I'm always so encouraged to read of and hear from others who are living for Christ... so this is in the hope that sharing some of my thoughts and life experiences might encourage someone else.